Looking back on my days of active addiction, I know I put my loved ones through a certain torturous hell. The thing is, at the time, I didn’t care. I was trapped inside my addiction, in denial, and I only wanted them off my back and get drunk in peace. It wasn’t a big deal, I could handle it and sure some nights turned into mornings, and yes, I felt shame and embarrassment most days, but who cares? Not me. I never wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to chase the rainbow of my next high wherever it may be, and eventually after mixing alcohol, drugs, sex and codependence, I started to feel the pain and nothing would numb it anymore.
So after I spent the night in jail, I woke up. But I never actually slept. As I sat alongside my cell mates and saw the company I was in, I couldn’t imagine how drinking alcohol would seat me next to prostitutes and coke dealers. But who am I to judge, you can put us all together and what do we have in common? We are addicts, our lives had become unmanageable. And honestly I can’t lie and tell you that I haven’t thought of doing either. It is only a “not yet” for me.
My awakening helped me get sober, with eyes wide open, I accomplished this task one day at a time and so far it has let me clean for almost 8 years. I feel like a newborn, white as snow. It feels so good. But now that my eyes are open I am watching all the people that are still active in their addictions, and I am helpless. I have to see them ruin their lives, die of overdoses, go to jail, lose custody of their kids and the list goes on. This is the saddest reality I have now. I wonder why they can’t change, why they are hurting themselves, and why they can’t see how much I love them, and then I remember, the time when I was in denial and I was sick. They are sick too, and we can only pray for their cure.
All I can do today is ask God to forgive me, ask them for forgiveness, and then the last of the trinity is to forgive myself. I pray for those that are still suffering in their addiction, and I hope they open their eyes to see that they are loved. This road of recovery is the path less traveled, and I would love the company.
